Wednesday, May 23, 2012

That high school moments

I just finished watching 2 episodes of glee, which are props and national. And it was so emotional.
It forced me to call my high school memories, which one of them is friendship.
A friendship that I can never get in this new place.
A friendship that is hardly to be erased from my or our heads. 
Friends, who were always there to cheer me up and made jokes out of anything (friends, teachers, or even stuffs)
Friends, who never judge you by your appearance or your intelligence.
Friends, who always there to help you with your homework, even your exams.
Friends, who were there when you messed everything up, and mostly they were the caused.
Before I graduated from high school, me and my friends always have a though about what college life is gonna be like. Since we love to watch movies, we thought that college life is going to be like that, where you can skip school, chase guys/girls, graduate, get a job, make fortunes, married, and live happily ever after.
But yeah, like Adam Levine said, "If happily ever after did exist. All those fairy tales are full of shit."
Yep. Agree!!
There is no such thing as happily ever after, and there is also no such thing as college-life-is-easy.
I always have a thought, "How boring life would be without them?"
And you know what? IT IS BORING!!!! NO FUN!
I mean seriously. I can't find any happiness like I used to have when I was in high school.
I don't have any close friends in any classes. We are friends in class, that's it.
But I do have some friends from church, who helped me with math and the other one always there with me during recess.
I am so glad that I met them But still, we are not in the same class every day.

Ahhh, I do miss my high school, my high school friends, and all those memories.
But I can't do anything to bring it back, cause it has passed, and I am not doraemon who has a door to anywhere.

Sunday, May 20, 2012

"What can I do without him?"

This is a story that my priest told us in his preach.

On 90s, there were a married couple. The man was 93 years old. The woman was 90 year old.
The man was diagnosed with stomach cancer, so he basically could do nothing. His wife had to take car of him everything every day.
She cooked, she went grocery shopping, she bathed him, and she cleaned the house.
Their children came from Florida to New York to visit their parents. Their children agreed to put their dad to a nursing because they thought that their mother could not take care of him anymore
So they came to my priest and asked if he could accompany them to say it to their mother.
They all went to their mom's house. One of the two child said to their mother about all of that.
And do you know what happen next? Their mom told them to go out from her house and she said, "I have been marry him for 60 (something) years. And I will take care of him until the end."
Then they went out.
A couple months or years later, their dad passed away. From outside the funeral house, the priest could hear somebody was screaming and crying. And the sound was aggravating. When they went inside, they found out that it was her, their mother, who cried that loud.
The priest talked to her and calmed her down. But she said, "What can I do without him?"
She cried and cried.
On Tuesday 1996 (around that)they buried his body. She was crying. She kept repeating, "What can I do without him?"
She was so heartbroken. 2 days after the funeral day, she died.
She was found dead in her sleep.
Now that is love. No matter what happen to our partner, we have to be there with him/her until the end of our life.

Thursday, May 17, 2012

Parents' value

Parents are the most important people in every kid's life. 
I, as a kid, can never live without my parents. Although we got separated by the distance, but I still love them.
Every kid wants to have a complete father and mother when they grew up, got married, have kids, etc.
Those are the things that parents want to do too. Some of them can see us until we got kids, while some of them have to pass away when we haven't graduate from school, or worst when we were still kids.
Parents, they are obviously older than us, they are weaker than us in every way and genre. 
They were there when we were born. They were the first one who watched our first step. They listened to our first word that came out from our mouth. They watched us growing up. It doesn't happen to every kids. Some kids were stranded by their parents for some reasons.
But no matter you are with or without your parents on your way growing up, they always love you. No matter where they are, once or twice you were in their minds.
The hardest part to handle is when you want something expensive, and your parents let you buy that, but when you see their face, you could tell that they wanted to say no, but they didn't want to disappoint you at the same time.
They would give everything you want to make you happy.
So, you better do the same thing toward them.

As a grown up kid, I knew how hard it is to be a parent by seeing my own parents raising me until I'm this big. They worked very hard so that I have clothes to wear, foods to eat, money for school, and home to stay. But the best thing, they dedicated their life for me.
But hey, not only my parents, yours are too. You may not realize it yet.
Teenagers usually acted beyond they suppose to do. They rarely obey their parents. They hardly respect their parents.
I always have a thought in my mind.
"What would I be without my parents?"
I don't know about what you're gonna say. But me, I would hardly live without them.
As my parents turned older and older every single day, I kept thinking how would I live without them? I also have dedicated my life for them. Because of them, I go to school, I study, I do my best in everything, so that I will be a successful doctor who can support their life cost when they retired.
How if they are not here anymore? All of these are gonna be useless. 
What I'm doing now is a part of my dream too. But when my dream come true, it will not be complete without my parents there watching me with graduation gown and my doctorate degree.
Plus now that I am still a teenager, I still have that desire to travel from this country to another, or to buy this and that, or just to spend money, which is THEIR money not mine.
Sometimes when I want to buy an expensive thing, I have to think twice. And after I thought about it twice, three times, or even four times, I canceled my plan. It's advantaging for them, but it hurts for me.
As a kid we have to understand our family's economy condition. None of us wants to just sit at home and do nothing, or wearing the same clothes everyday. No. We all want to spend our money. But when we are run out of money, how can we eat? For us, teenagers, we still relying to our parents, so when we are run out of money, we just wait for our parents' salary. Isn't that right? Wasn't it happen to you?
As a young adult, who sooner or later are going to get married, we have to be able to think straight and to think about our friend, karma. If we now, as a kid, have spent money more than what we suppose to do, imagine what our children gonna be like.

Alright, conclusion:
Love your parents. Because you don't know how long they are gonna be here with us. If they yelled, pretend that it was just wind. When they pretend not care about you, talk to them. When they are lonely, accompany them like what they did. When they need help, BE THERE! When they cry, cheer them up. When they are sick, be the first one who take care of them. When they have empty stare, be the one who ask if they are fine or not.
Put your problems on your shoulder, not on them. If your parents have problems, take it and put it on your shoulder. Because they are too old to handle their problems. It is now our turn to feel the pain that they have been through all your growth.

Special thanks for my parents who have been there for me. Although we were separated by distance for 6 years with dad, and now 8 months with my mom, I will always love you no matter what happen.
Kiss and hug from the deepest place in my heart.

Saturday, May 12, 2012

Stop comparing

I know other kids are smarter than me, more diligent than me, more beautiful than me, etc. I know they got scholarships, got into honor program, and be a school president.
But why? Why do you parents keep comparing us?
Don't you know it hurts so bad?
We know you did that because you guy wanted us to be more than them or improve our skills. We know that! But comparing is not the best way to tell us to improve ourselves.
When you compared us, we usually lost our neat to improve.
Being compared only makes us feel down and sad.
Some kids might take that as a base to improve, but the rest take it as a force.
The best way to make us improve our skills is by giving us support, not by telling those kids are better than us.
This is a sound from one of those children who are likely to be compared.
We are so sick of being compared.
We knew you parents want us to achieve our dreams and get a good job so that we can take care of you during your old days.  That is why we only asked for your support and not your comments about any other kids in this world.
When you guys compared us to another kids, we can also compared you to another parents. But we can never be able to do that because you guys are the best parents that fit for us in this whole wide universe.
No matter what you guys have done to us, we will always love you.
But please please please stop comparing. 

Wednesday, May 9, 2012

That feeling

The feeling when you miss someone terribly is worst than got a D on a test.
It hurts so bad because you are unable to do anything about it.
You wanted to say it, but you can't because you afraid that he would give some space between you guys.
You wanted to meet him, but distance is the problem.
You wanted to call him, but he might not pick it up.
You wanted to tweet it, but he might not notice about.
You want to express it, but you don't know why,
When you miss someone so bad, and you want to show it him, your efforts seem so impossible to be noticed. Either he doesn't want to know about it, or that's your destiny.
But for sure, when you miss someone so bad, it's like some part of you are missing. And what you can do are staring at his photo, cry, showering.
It's sad but yet it's funny.
Why? Because you miss someone that might not miss you as much as you do.
You miss someone who is not yours anymore.
You miss someone who is far away.
Move on dude! Yes move on. But it is so freaking damn hard.
Moving on is the enemy of missing. They can never get along.
How can you move on when you still in love with that person?

Tuesday, May 8, 2012

Comparing myself

I am not the only one who like to compare myself to another person or people. It happens to everyone without exception.
When we have a friend who is better than us financially and educationally, we tended to compare ourselves to them and said that we are not as good as they are.
Sometimes we have what they have, but we never satisfied with what we have.
Comparing ourselves to other is important, but do not go too far from it.
Just by comparing yourself, you have lost 0.1% confidence in yourself. And if it keeps going on and on, you would lose your confidence at all.
Some people compared themselves so that they can improve their skills, while the other compared themselves because they can't accept who they are.
As a mature person, we have to be able to absorb the good side of comparing ourselves.
Sometimes, comparing ourselves to other can make us stand up and be a better person. But most of the time, it brings us down, down to the bottom of the earth.
The first impression if we saw a person would always about how beautiful/handsome their look, what they gadgets, and what their cars. For us, who don't have things like theirs, will spontaneously became jealous and small.
For some other people. they would use what they saw as their challenge. They would challenge themselves to be like that person, or even way better to that person.

Comparing is necessary, so that we would at least change to be better a little bit. But don't let yourself down when you see a better person in front of you. Make them the reason why you want to improve yourself.
And no matter how hard you try to be like them, you will never be like them. Because you were created as who you are now. Vice versa.
Use your talents, abilities, and everything you have inside of you, to be way better than that person, not be exactly like them.
When we talk about comparing, we talk about challenge.

Sunday, May 6, 2012

I want to dance with you

I remember the first and last time we dance together.
It was at farewell party.
I thought I won't come with anyone special.
But then you came, and asked me.
Dresses were tried by me.
I was looking for nice shoes every where.
But in the end, I came to the party with white dress and gold shoes.
It was a really simple outfit.
But you made it special because you were on my side all the time.
During the event, we were talking about things that was so not important.
Well, that is love. We talked about unimportant things.
We walked to the front of the stage.
My hands were holding my phone.
My arms were free.
Unexpectedly, you circled your left arm onto your waist and asked me to put my right arm in it.
The time for dance floor was there. All couples were called to the dance floor. I was too chicken to do that. But the MC called our name, and with the courage I had left, I said to you "Come on."
I am not a good dancer. I can't even dance. 
And that was embarrassing, but fun. 
I didn't care what people might think about my moves. All I had in my mind was, there I was standing in front of a guy that I love, with my hands on his hands, my eyes stared into his, and my heart welcomed him to come and stay.
You didn't know how nervous I was and how shaky my hands were.
That was the best night I have ever had for my entire life.
And now, today, in this country, in this city, you are not around.
Not just around in person, also you are not around in my heart. You left.
The day when you were in another farewell party and I wasn't there, I hope you miss the time when you danced with me.
I want to start everthing all over again. Dance with you. Fall for you. Be with you.

Saturday, May 5, 2012

Aubrey Maria Palar

This is the name given to me when I was born. My dad named me after a song from a band called "Bread". My middle name is my baptism name. And my last name is my family name.

aubrey maria palar
There are 16 letters in your name.
Those 16 letters total to 72
There are 8 vowels and 8 consonants in your name.

What your first name means:
TeutonicMaleRules the elves.
FrenchMaleBlond ruler, elf ruler. From the Old French Auberi, a form of the Old German Alberich meaning elf ruler.
FrenchFemaleRules with elf-wisdom.
EnglishMaleRules with elf-wisdom. Introduced into Britain from France by Aubrey de Vere, a friend of William the Conquerer. De Vere's grandson became the Earl of Oxford.
EnglishFemaleRules with elf-wisdom.
Your number is: 9
The characteristics of #9 are: Humanitarian, giving nature, selflessness, obligations, creative expression.
The expression or destiny for #9:
The expression that you exhibit is represented bythe number 9. Your talents center in humanistic interests and approaches. You like to help others as you were intended to be the 'big brother or big sister' type. You operate best when you follow your feelings and sense of compassion, and allow yourself to be sensitive to the needs of others. You work well with people, and have the potential to inspire. This suggests that you could successfully teach or counsel. Creative ability, imagination and artistic talent (often latent) of the highest order are present in this expression. It's possible that you're not using or developing all of these capabilities at this time. Some of your talents may have been used at an earlier time in your life, and some may still be latent. Be aware of your capabilities, so that you can make use of them at appropriate times.
If you are able to achieve the potential of your natural expression in this life, you are capable of much human understanding and have a lot to give to others. Your personal ambitions are likely to be maintained in a very positive perspective, never losing sight of an interest in people, and a sympathetic, tolerant, broad-minded and compassionate point of view. You are quite idealistic, and disappointed at the lack of perfection in the world. You have a strong awareness of your own feeling as well as those of others. Friendships, affection, and love are extremely important.
Undeveloped or ignored, the negative side of the 9 expression can be very selfish and self-centered. If you do not actively involve yourself with work that benefits others, you may tend to express just the opposite characteristics. It is your role to be very involved with other people and their needs, but it may be difficult for you achieve this role. Aloofness, lack of involvement, and a lack of sensitivity mark the low road of this expression.
Your Soul Urge number is: 22
A Soul Urge number of 22 means: 
The Soul Urge of the master number 22 is very much that of the master builder. You would like to use your abilities in an important humanitarian undertaking, and have an innate desire is to express the significant power you feel in a concrete manner, as a builder, engineer, diplomat, etc. In some way you want to make a considerable contribution to the world.
The 22 gives a broad, universal outlook with a rather practical and common-sense approach. You have especially high intelligence, with an unusual perception and awareness. This number often denotes a high degree of diplomatic abilities and high ideals. You are a very capable person and you may possess special leadership abilities that you can and should develop. People respect you and recognize your superior foresight and vision.
The negative side of the 22 soul urge is a high degree of nervous energy and a tendency to be very dominating. It is unfortunate that all who possess the urge of 22 do not use its energies to the greatest advantage; but then it should be recognized that these energies are understandably the most difficult to focus and direct.
Your Inner Dream number is: 5
An Inner Dream number of 5 means: 
You dream of being totally free and unrestrained by responsibility. You see yourself conversing and mingling with the natives in many nations, living for adventure and life experiences. You imagine what you might accomplished.

The meaning of "Aubrey"

What is the meaning of my name?
I looked it up at, and I found this:

"Of French origin, Aubrey results from the phonetical mutation of Alberic, which is a Germanic given name, meaning "Fair Ruler of the Little People", or "King of the Elves".[1] The name Alberich is the German variant. The Anglo-Saxons used before the Norman conquest the corresponding variant Ælf-rīc (seeÆlfric).
A female form is already recorded in the Middle Ages as Aubrey, Aubrée and does not share the same etymology, that is from Germanic Albereda,Alberada. It was very common in the genealogy of the noble Norman families (See f. e. Aubrey of Buonalbergo).
The name is traditionally male, but is more commonly used as a feminine name in the United States. It was the 41st most popular name given to girls born in the United States in 2009.[2] It was last ranked among the top 1,000 most common names for boys in the United States in 2002. It was the 479th most common name for all males in the United States in the 1990 census.[3] The main reason that Aubrey became a popular female name is because of the song "Aubrey" by Bread."
Listen to the song, and you'll fall in love with it. The lyrics of the song did happened tom eon 2011.

Other website said Aubrey means : 
"Noble, Bright"
"Elf, Bright"
"In English, the name Aubrey means Rules with elf-wisdom. Introduce into Britain from France by Aubrey de Vere, a friend of William the Conquerer. De Veres grandson became the Earl of oxford."
"In French, it means blond ruler."
"makes me very idealistic, sensitive, and inspirational."
"The name Aubrey is currently ranked #41 US births, it's on 4344 name lists, it has been rated 8799 times"
"If these qualities are not understood and properly directed through music, art, or other creative expression, you could become jealous and possessive of those close to you."
 "Your feelings are so strong that you are inclined to build your life around certain individuals and become wrapped up in personal love rather than seeking into the deeper truths of life; thus you could suffer losses in your affections and shattered ideals."
" You are generous and people are drawn to you because of your friendly and sympathetic nature."

"You are usually the best at everything ... you strive for perfection. 
You are confident, authoritative, and aggressive. 
You have the classic "Type A" personality. 
You are a very lucky person. Things just always seem to go your way.
And because you're so lucky, you don't really have a lot of worries. You just hope for the best in life.
You're sometimes a little guilty of being greedy. Spread your luck around a little to people who need it.

You are full of energy. You are spirited and boisterous.
You are bold and daring. You are willing to do some pretty outrageous things.
Your high energy sometimes gets you in trouble. You can have a pretty bad temper at times.

You are wild, crazy, and a huge rebel. You're always up to something.
You have a ton of energy, and most people can't handle you. You're very intense.
You definitely are a handful, and you're likely to get in trouble. But your kind of trouble is a lot of fun.

You are friendly, charming, and warm. You get along with almost everyone.
You work hard not to rock the boat. Your easy going attitude brings people together.
At times, you can be a little flaky and irresponsible. But for the important things, you pull it together.

You are a free spirit, and you resent anyone who tries to fence you in.
You are unpredictable, adventurous, and always a little surprising.
You may miss out by not settling down, but you're too busy having fun to care."

Tuesday, May 1, 2012


Prom, a magical word that makes anyone who heard it excited.
What is so special about this word?
When there will be an event called prom, all the girls would be so excited, and the guys would felt challenged.
Girls would buy new dress, shoes, and redo their hair. While the guys would find a girl to be their date to the prom.
Yes, prom is every girl's dream. 
Most girls wanted to go to the prom with a person they like or love. They wanted to dance along with him. They wanted to brag to her friends. They wanted to spend a special night with a special person although it'll only lasts for a couple of hours.
Every second a girl spent with a guy at the prom, extend her happy mood.
Even she would be with him only for 5 or more hours, but the happiness inside her would last for years.
Every girl deserved to go to a prom with a special guy.
Days, even weeks before prom, there must be a girl who prayed days and nights so she would go to the prom with that guy. And when it happened, she would kneel in her room and praise the lord. She couldn't even stop smiling for the rest of the month.
Prom doesn't always make 2 people become one. But it does make 2 people become closer and know each other a little bit deeper.
Prom could make a girl dated that guy for real.
We don't really have to go to a prom with a date. We can go there with our best friends or friends. But it would be more delightful to have someone holding your arms when you walked into the ballroom.
Prom, a dream of every teenage girls.