Wednesday, December 21, 2011

I live for you, Dad!

Daddy, you do know how much I love you right?
Although you were mad at me, I still love you.
Because back when I still a baby, you were the only man who cuddle me after I saw the light of the world. When mom could only lay on the bed, you took care of me. You did the most disgusting thing, changing diaper. But you did that because you love me.
You taught me how to sit down, how to crawl, how to walk, how to speak, and how to grow up to be a wonderful daughter.
You canceled all those bad things that might happened to me when I couldn't do anything.
You worked hard for me, to feed me, and to put me in a good school where I could get a good education.
You used to leave me to have a journey to another country to make money so that I will always get anything I needed.
Whenever I need new things, all I did was ask you and you gave me straight away. Even when I knew you were ran out of money, but you did anything just to get those money so that I wouldn't be pissed.
I didn't know how you did that, but I believe that you got those money in a right way.
Now, I am 18, a teenager who's always getting blue feeling when I wanted to do something. I always ask for you opinion. What ever you said, whether I like it or not, I always go with what you said. 
I could never say "NO" to what you said.
You told me to take science program when I was going to 11th grade, I got that.
You forced me to learn how to drive, I took driving classes twice.
You wanted me to move to a new place, I said yes.
You expected me to go to medical school, so I applied to every university which has pre-med program, even you didn't come along with me.
You want me to find part time job, I applied to every store, but none of them accepted me yet.
You forced me to take 5 shots for my visa and 2 shots for college thing, I took it even it hurts so freakingly bad.
You told me to go home when the Halloween parade just started, I went home straight away.
You ordered me to take care of my social security, ID, license permit, and driving license, I did all those things and some of them I did it without you accompanying me.
Everything you said, I always obey it.
Though I knew I don't like it, I HAVE to. Because I am afraid that you will be mad at me and you won't take care of me anymore.
Every time you compared me with other kids, I have to be patient when you knew it tore my heart apart.
And the most painful thing I have to accept is the "reality" I got when I arrived in the new place.
Since that day, I kept thinking,"What is your life about? Your happiness or my happiness?"
But then I pressed CTRL+ALT+DEL about that thought.
The goal of my life is only to make you happy with going with what you said even I hate it so much.
Because I know, without you, I will never made this far. I will never be in this beautiful country and stay in this wonderful city. I am blessed to be your daughter and I am lucky to have you as my father.
This is the way it has to be. So, I'll just go with it, cause this is life, and I am young, and I have to do what the elderly said, especially if they are my parents.
You heart might be broken if I told you about the truth about what I actually want and what I feel about living in here and about my future.
Realized it or not, I have revealed it you. Maybe you didn't notice it or you were not listening to me, which sometimes you never did.
You getting old each and everyday. That is also the reason why I kept doing what you wanted and forget about what I wanted. I wanted to spend all of my times with you before I go to college and I have no time for you anymore, but sometimes you seem didn't want it, or it was just my feeling? I have no idea.
You may not know that almost every night, or when I was in train, I cried. Cried because of my life now, and because what you have done to me. But I never let you see those tears came out from my face. Cause I didn't want you to feel sorry for me and started to cry along with me.
I am so sorry Daddy, for what I have been said to you, all bad things I ever did to you.
Just so you know, I could never get mad to you.
You put me under pressure, but I tried to stay strong, because I knew when I can't handle it anymore, you'll give me your shoulder to cry on, you'll use your hands to wipe my tears, and you'll help me stand up when I fall down.
You will never leave me alone, and I will do the same thing.
You can always count on me, if you want to.
You can ask me for everything, and I will do my best to give you that.
I will always try to make you happy with everything I got.
I love you Daddy, and I hope you can see me graduate from Medical School and become a doctor as you want me to.
It will be hard if I go through that alone without you, because you are the reason why I go to medical school to be  a doctor.
If I live that long, I will try my best to graduate from that school, get degrees, and have titles behind my full name. And them we can talk BIG.
All I need right now is a complete family where I'm not only live you, but with my mom also.
You can give me physical happiness, but not soul. It needs happiness also, you know?
When did the last time you see me smiling because of my condition right now? I never did. I smiled only when my physical happy, that was when I wasted money.
Never thought I would say this, but I am a kid who's desperately need happiness inside and out.
And this Christmas, I can't give you anything because I have no job yet. My Christmas present for you this year would be a smile which tells you "I'm okay."

you beloved daughter.

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