Thursday, August 28, 2014

And Now ...

A life, which once was almost perfect, is destroyed but a word "break." For some people it might be meaningless, while for others it means a lot in a relationship.
As a young adult, to be in a meaningful relationship for one year and half with a person that will be her groom is very special and sacred.
It takes more than just time and certainty to know the right guy. Sacrifice and patient are two other big things that are required for the relationship to work and to spend the rest of her life with that same person without having a third or fourth person.
When a thought to break a relationship crosses his mind and comes out from his mouth, her life started to change drastically in just seconds.
She knows that he is the one that she wants. In contrast, he does not know if she is the one, if she can fulfill his needs for his entire life with her.
What she does not know is that whether he is making her as a stepping stone to be in a relationship, to feel being in a relationship, or basically just because he gave pity on her for loving him very much.
Sometimes a relationship can be one sided because they are not in the same page. And when it happens, it is hard to make the relationship work.
To build a strong relationship is the same as to build a strong high building.
With a help from scaffolding to build the base of the building and to the top.
At the end, a strong building was built with a very strong foundation.
And whenever there is an earthquake, no fear shall be felt because a strong wall has been made and there shall be no worry that the building will collapse.
It needs a strong foundation even in a relationship for it to last very long.

Friday, August 2, 2013

My Mom and My Dad

My mom is the best listener. She listens to all my stories, my sadness, happiness and my sorrows. She listens carefully as I say everything I have in my mind and she never cuts me off. She is not that kind of person who wants her kids or other people to listen to her stories, but she is a kind of person who loves to hear my stories to know what I've been through during the day. She does not judge me, not like others. She always does her best to be my best friend. A friend who is a lot different than my friends out there. A person who will always be there through sad and happiness of this life, my life and our life. Every time I tell some jokes, she tries to laugh even though it's not that funny. She did it because she does not want me to feel small for my attempt to make her laugh. When I say something, she listens. Although she likes to yell at me, but she has never ever ignore me even when she does not have any moods to listen to me. She has always been the best listener I have ever had. Your best friends most likely act like your mom, they listen and they want to be heard also. Better than people around me. No offense, but try observing people around you or people you have known for a long time. Other than best friends, they tend to make us listen to their story and they won't listen to ours. They don't form that 'give and take'.
While my mom and my best friends, we give and we take. Equal amount. Sometimes we want to take more than to give, but at the end of the day, everything will be balance.
Mom is the best thing that God has ever created for me. Although she is far from me, but as long as we can see each other through skype and hear each others voices and tell stories, I can always feel her presence.

My dad is my mentor. Although he didn't get a high education like other fathers, but his knowledge is broader than people I have ever met. He helps me building my future little by little. He avoids bad things to happen to me. Every time I don't know something, I just need to run to him and ask him and he will explain it very clear and followed by examples so that I can understand it clearly. He has never give me an 'i don't know' as the answer. Maybe he does it sometimes, but most of the time if he doesn't know the thing that I ask,  he will always try his best to explain the definition which is close to my question. For some reasons, he knows a lot of things even he didn't go to college.
He protects me. He always makes me happy. He corrects me when I'm wrong. He is my guardian angel. Age doesn't limit his desire to travel with me. Although we have to drive 10 hours in the middle of the night, he would do it for the sake of me as his daughter and for the sake of his happiness. He would do anything to make his daughters happy physically and emotionally. He will never make us cry. He hates to see tears roll down from our eyes. When I don't like something, he will follow. He never force me to do something that I want beside school. He never limits my freedom, unlike strangers. However, he will limit my freedom if he thinks that I'm off the border. He is like the best guy I have ever met.

My mom and my dad are the most important people in my life. Although they might be annoying sometimes, but most of the time they make me happy. And they are the reason for me being alive, stay in school and smile until this moment. They are the reason for me to run until I reach the finish line.
If only I can grow old together with them and die with them, I would do it.
I don't know what I will be without them, because I'm used to their presence in my life and because I haven't find other people who are similar like my parents and I will never found one, because I was born in this family, the family that God has chosen for me to live with. A family that is very diverse than others.
My parents, they never leave me alone, they always there when I don't see them. They know what I'm doing. They don't talk a lot like those people. My parents are smart people, they know how to act and how to manage things.
Both my mom and my dad never force me to do things that I don't like.
They spoil me a lot.
Right now I can't make them happy yet. The only thing I can do to make them happy is by telling them that I have good grades.
Nobody's perfect and so am I and them. We forgive and forget each others mistakes. We try our best to be a happy family.
This what makes me don't want to lose them. For God sake, I would do anything to make them stay alive until I get my PhD degree which is one thing that they want so bad.

I believe my parents are not the only best parents in this world. Yours are too. But not all parents are the best for their kids.
But mine, they are the best for me, because they love me and they will never leave me until God said so.

Monday, July 1, 2013

It's just another day.

When the sun comes up, a new day begins. 
New day means new hope. 
A hope for  another great day. 
A hope to be surrounded by beloved people.
A hope to be able to smile all day without letting any tears roll out from these eyes. 
A hope to have that breath taking moment in every second. 

The sun moves from east to north shining brightly heating up the universe. 
Fishes in the sea swim without any burden. 
Dogs and cats are walking happily with their masters. 
Children laugh freely in the park. 
However, not everybody can laugh as often as other can. 
It might be because of their conditions. 
Or it's simply because they have no one to share their joy with. 
Throughout the day, some people are having fun, but there are still a lot of people out there who don't have any time to think about having fun. 

When the sun reaches the west side of the coast, wind blows bringing its cold breeze. 
Streets are filled with cars and cabs. 
Trains are full with people who are on their home-bound. 
Fatigue is the only thing left after all day. 

Sun goes down and the moon is up with its dim light.
The perfect time to spend with family or friends or just by yourself. 
Staring at the moonlight while sitting by the river side calms your mind. 
During that time, the thoughts of what are the purpose to live started to fill your minds up. 
Some, who own a fortune will think about it rarely. But those who don't will keep on thinking about the hardness of this life. 
To live by yourself means to be an independent person. 
It is lovely to be able to survive this rough world without bothering other people with your needs. 
Sadly, when night comes, the feeling of loneliness will come and stick in your head for the rest of the night. 
And when it reaches the highest limit, tears will be hard to stop it from rolling out from the eyes. 
After crying all night, you fell asleep in your tears. 
And another new day begins. 
 New day is just another day. 
You might be happy during the day, but crumbles at night. 

Tuesday, May 7, 2013


The life of those people in movies seem so nice. How they always get what wanted, achieve what they dream, and have friends who are always there to support them.
There barely any sorrow they have.
But in the real life, those things hardly happen. Most of the time, we got fucked up by people around us or even our friends.
Happiness does exist but happy ever after does not really exist. It's only in fairy tales where everything is magically happen in a blink of an eye.
It's so sad knowing that life is not as easy as we look in those movies. How life is very hard, how people are very harsh and how love, which suppose to the best thing in the world can make us suffer and heart broken.
What is going on in this world? No body knows and no one have the ability to change it.
The fact that life is short makes us need to enjoy every second of this life.
Although it;s hard to get through hard things alone, but we have to go through it unless you want to end these things.
There are a lot of fun things to do and all we need is just friends.
Find them!
I understand how other people's lives most of rhe time are better than ours. I don't know why but that's what I feel.
Some people are richer, some people are more beautiful, some people are more smart, some people are skinnier. Oh well, what can I do to change everything than just let it flow and go through it.
Destiny is destiny. No one can change it but us (Pak Nada). If you don't have the gut and the will to change everything, nothing will change and you life will remain the same.
I'm just making random post, but this is what I feel right now because I feel like being ditched by my new friends in this fricking city. They are BS.
So far in this post, I still feel my anger inside of me. I want to pu tit out all here but I don't know where to start. I rather talk about it than put it in alphabets.

Tuesday, April 30, 2013

It's you...

I cried on your sleep.
On your chest my tears fell down.
Through your jokes, my smile appeared.
However, none of them can get rid of my sadness.

I have no strength to keep my sadness to myself.
I can't bare these sorrows alone, but I have no one to accompany me going through it.
This life gets harder and harder by every second.
Nothing seems easy and nothing is ever easy.
Nothing looks great without having some colors in it.
When no one sticks around for a long time, blue sky turns to dark grey.
Sky turns to grey as you headed back to your town.
Rain falls to the ground, brings up the smell of the earth.
Crowds are dispersed.
Streets become quiet as the rain gets heavier.
I can't see the path in front of me, for it is hindered by the fact that this world is deserted.
Life is good, but nothing is perfect.
People were created as they are now.
The geniuses are everywhere. yet the one whom God created to always be there has to find the path to where I am.

the person I have just met a year go, now become a person I see everyday.
These thoughts might be cliche, but the fact that my happiness is always because of you can't be denied.
cheer me up when my world is sinking to the seabed and attaches to titanic.
Well you..
are unforgettable.
If you can read my mind, hear my conscience, and feel my heart beat,
you would know that you are never out of my mind.
That you are the rainbow after the storm.
Though you are out of my sight, but you will not be out of my heart. 
are the apple of my eye.
The beauty in the sky.
are the "please don't go"
in all of our good byes.

Thursday, April 18, 2013

Back to my hometown

My mind started recalling all the memories in my hometown years ago. It was a very pleasant place to live and to grow as I was a child who was born there. 
In the same city where I learned how to walk, is also where I found people who love me so much aka my best friends. 
The place where I spent most of my time was my house, well my living room actually. 
My routines every morning have never been changed until I graduated from high school, which was before I moved to this country. 
Mom always gives me kisses on my face to wake me up. As soon as I woke up, I would go to the bathroom and she would turned  on the tv and put on MTV for me, because it plays new musics every morning which always made my morning. 
Growing up without my dad, who was in the US at that time, was pretty hard because I didn't get the touch of love from a father directly. Although that I have my mom to do everything for me at home, but it is not complete without having a figure of a father in the family. 
Now that I'm in the process of growing old in this country, I have my dad and not my mom because she is still live where she was years before.
A drastic change is hardly acceptable with me. Because I got used to have my mom does the laundry and cooks for me and now, I have to go to school by myself, do my homework, cook for myself, do the laundry and wake up by myself. 
People said that I whine too much about my situation, which I completely agree with it. However I can't be blame for I used to get spoiled by my parents and I need time to get used to live alone. 
Sooner or later I'm going to live by myself and I just need some more time to enjoy these very last moments to get spoiled by my parents. Is that a wrong freaking thing?

Tuesday, April 9, 2013

A year ago

8 April 2012...
It was the easter sunday at KKI. I was the lector at that day and you were one of the altar servers. We gathered around in the sacristy. We were talking about school. One of our friends asked me where did I go to school and I told her LAGCC and she introduced you to me as the math tutor in there and I was like "YESSSS" It was a jackpot for me man. I was so happy because I saw you since like October 2011 and that day I got a chance to talk to you.

6 May 2012..
It was the first mudika meeting. It was at om Indra's house and you were also there. I forgot why suddenly people were teasing us because I asked your phone number. Well, I did it in purpose though. I used "need a math tutor" as the excuse, which was true a bit but it was mostly about getting your phone number and hanging out with you.
After the meeting, om Nofi dropped us around 92nd street. That was when I found out that we lived just one subway station away. And did you know what I was thinking when he dropped us there? I was hoping actually that you would walk me home but you did not. Well, that made sense since that we just knew each other, But smile was never leave my face since that day.

May to June...
I went to your office at LAGCC like almost everyday. Either to ask about my homework or to just hanging around. I even knew everybody in the math lab and they knew me as well. And there was a time when you asked me out to watch Avengers. I agreed and we planned everything perfectly.

1 June 2012..
It was 5pm when I entered LAGCC to meet you. We were fully dressed and after you were done tutoring, we went straight to AMC 34th street and yeah we watched that. It was spring time but it was kinda chilly and I was only wearing my pink top and skirt and a cardigan which is not warm at all. I was freezing but I didn't what to do. After we went to the movie, you took me to astor place for late dinner. We went to OH Taisho and we got the seats by the counter and yeah that was my first date in my entire life even I've ever had bfs before.

April 8th 2013
Today is exactly one year of our first meeting, or the first day that I got your number which I always remember. Last year we were by ourselves, but this year, this day and at this time, we are together having a video call via skype with a feeling of me missing you so freaking kampret badly. The bad signal adds to that miserable feeling. And yeah, I didn't know that we could reach until this point. Anddddd the rest, you have to wait until July. Hugs and kisses :*

There are a lot of things that I've been through to get to this phase with you.
But I shall not share it in here but with you in the right time. Maybe not now, not today, but someday you will know everything.